It is admirable to want to rush in and show a relative where she/he is messing up their life but if you are not willing to go the extra mile you might be better off to leave it alone. Take some time first, go do something physical, then make your call. Consider this article when you do:
Do you have relatives? Most everyone does. If you answered yes, do they ever drive you insane making bad choices for themselves and for their kids? Well you are not alone. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: boundaries must be set with family. This is a healthy thing. When you see people in your family consistently doing the wrong thing, tell them if you like but be aware it may hit you back. Did you know that lifeguards are taught not to swim out and hold a drowning man above the water? The reason is because he flails and it could take them down as well. That’s why they carry that red floater, to throw to the one in distress.
In trying to “get something off your chest” however well intended, you may be labeled “judgmental,” “ignorant,” or just plain “stuck up” as the relative inevitably “flails.” Sometimes “letting the chips fall where they may” can injure you. Still, your cares about this relative may keep haunting you like a salesman at the door. In that case you have to deal with it.
NOTE: If you suspect your loved ones are doing something harmful or neglectful to their children, skip the confrontation and please report them immediately to child protective services. I am absolutely 100% pro kids before any psychology-speak comes into play.
If it’s a lesser thing, just remember that it is hard to love sometimes. Before you act in love, make sure it is in love and not as a result of your pride. Most importantly, make sure that you care enough to go a few rounds with your loved ones. It may be you who is the one to “rudely” awaken them from a deep sleep of denial. Like any intervention, bring armor for your emotion most of all.
Last statement: If you don’t care, don’t speak.
4 Comments
Hi Damien,
I have had to learn boundaries in my life relationships from my therapist, and I have also (very recently) figured out that it is my mother that passed on the inability to make boundaries.
Problem: The only person left in my life that I still can’t make boundaries with is my mom. She is manipulative, but in a really nice way. She has a bitchy side to her, but not more than the average person, however she is in denial of any of her bad qualities, but it precisely these bad qualities that she uses against me and that I find myself HATING – even though I think I could live with them if I could either discuss them with her rationally, or just make some sort of boundary that I don’t get manipulated out of. Does that make sense?
Bobbie Dawn
My advice may be a bit brash, but it is how I deal with her type:
When it starts to feel uncomfortable, get out of the situation. Whether it be a phone call “Um, I have to go, call you later … clunk” of a family event: “Excuse me, I have to run out to the car I forgot something.”
It also might help to write a list of things you like discussing with your mom and let her know as much. You could make a list to share of the undesirable things as well if you want. That way she will start to get the point when you “have to go” during certain subjects.
Just a few thoughts.
thanks, I like your suggestions.
I will try them next time I am with her/talk to her.
Well thank you. Boundaries can be really hard to set but in most cases in my life, that hardline approach has made things easier.
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Don’t Care? Don’t Speak.