Damien at the Speed of Life

This is a guest post by Derek from Derek Semmler dot com.

The other day Damien was discussing summer memories and asked about the strongest memory of your youth.

When my mind begins to wander through the collection of youthful summer memories, I immediately think of the flour fight that I had with my sister or the long summer days spent playing baseball with my buddies. Or the time that my best friend and I ran away from home, for all of three hours until we were caught when he insisted on sneaking home to use the bathroom.

While there are many pleasant memories that I could share with you, instead I want to discuss a not-so-fond memory from my youth and how I recently caught myself committing the same blunder with my children.

The essence of this memory is this: stop the criticism, inspire your children.

Throughout junior high and high school, I played football and hockey. While not the gifted athlete, I held my own pretty well in both sports and always put forth my best effort on game day.

After the game, I would usually catch a ride home with my dad. The memory that stands out to me about these post-game trips was not the acknowledgement of the goal I scored or the tackles that I made; but instead the criticism of how I should have scored two goals or how I missed three tackles. As a kid, I found this to be extremely frustrating and wanted to scream at my dad.

Looking back on these situations now, I understand that my dad meant well. He wanted the best for me and was attempting to offer his suggestions on how I could improve. But at the time I wanted no part of hearing the “help” that my dad was offering.

Now, here I am some 15+ years later and I recently caught myself following a similar pattern.

The Little League season just kicked off and my oldest son had his first game this past weekend. While he played a great game, making a nice play in the field and bringing in an RBI, he also had a few lapses.

As we walked to the car after the game, I shared with him that I thought he played a great game and then began to comment that he could have had two more hits had he not watched the ball and ran hard to first base. As I was beginning to tell him what he needed to do better, I had a flashback to the conversations that I had with my dad and I stopped in mid-sentence. When he looked at me, I just said that I thought he played great and I was proud of him.

When it comes to sports, I believe that many fathers want their son to be the superstar athlete – often times because they wanted to be themselves but never were. While the criticism is delivered with the best of intentions, unfortunately it rarely comes across as beneficial.

As parents, we need to stop the criticism of our children’s performance and instead offer our unconditional support and inspiration. If you feel that criticism is necessary, save it for a casual conversation days after the performance, not immediately afterwards on the trip home.

In an effort to inspire your children, try the following suggestions:

• Highlight the things that they have done well. Positive reinforcement of their performance will boost their confidence and they will revel in the fact that they have made you proud.
• Ask them how they feel they performed. Your child may very well be aware of things that they could have done better. Rather than offer your feedback, simply listening to them can be very rewarding.
• Be there for them. Is your child asking you to practice with them? Are you attending their performances? When your child looks for you, be there in full support of their activity.

The next time you find yourself beginning to criticize your child’s performance, stop yourself and offer a few encouraging words to inspire them to continue giving their best effort.

The memories will be much more enjoyable for both of you as a result.