Damien at the Speed of Life

To the reader: note the category this post is filed under: “rants” It’s been a?long day.

Writing at home can sound like a luxury, but it’s more of a killjoy.? There are facets of the home that can help the writer, but the distractions far outweigh the inspirations.? I have an 8 year old son and his favorite channel is Nickelodeon.? Now if you have ever watched this channel you know what kind of idiotic programming it emits 24/7.? Of course, my son’s favorite is “Spongebob,” second only to “Jimmy Neutron.”? When he’s played his Nintendo to the last level, skateboarded with his friend ’til the street-lights have come on, and done all his chores, I often find it cruel to subject him to the boring grown-up television that I enjoy so much, such as CSI or Larry King Live.? In those moments, I hesitatingly suggest to him that he may watch “his shows” for a bit.? When that happens, I start to develop a sort of, well, is it possible to have?an inner tick?? Because it feels like that.?

This stupid laugh Spongebob cackles?just makes me?batty.? And yet . . . my son LOVES it.? Not just a little bit, like in a guttural way.? HE ABSORBS IT (No, I didn’t just do that).? Some of the episodes he has memorized.? Now understand this, my son is no TV junkie.? He is at the top of his class in his AR reading (chapter books read for points).? He’s in GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) and he knows a WIDE array of things about the world that would astound you if you could sit and talk with him.? He’s no dummy.? At the same time, he seems drawn to this inane and vacuous television station.? I will never unerstand it, but my wife tells me to lighten up, so I do.?

Tonight I was finalizing my 3400 word short story for submission to a collection of E-Zines.? My story is about internal theft, love gone bad, introspection, and self-reinvention (to summarize).? Do you know how hard it is to revise a story on that level with the background noise of Spongebob singing “ITS THE BEST DAY EEEEVEEER!!!!”? I managed to get it done, but only because miracles exist.? Stephen King said that Stanley Kubrick didn’t really illustrate his point correctly in the Shining.? He says its about the frustration of trying to write with your family around . . . some days I swear?I feel like . . .?”Heeeeeeeere’s Riley!!!”? (Just kidding, . . . kind of)

Another enemy of the at home writer is 25 pounds, female,?and wears?feet pajamas.? As I scramble to get my inspirations down on my laptop, this lovely yet terrifying creature likes to come over and pat my keyboard and reach her arms out with a sort of whimpering whine.? Between her whining to be held (and I of course?daddy cannot?resist, if you saw her you would understand why he can’t) and my son’s need to recite dialog along with the characters on Nickelodeon, I am often left feeling brain-dead at the writing table.? My daughter is very cute when she slaps my cheeks with both hands imitating Home Alone, but she?loves to do it when I am on the verge of an epiphany in writing . . . ah, the agony for the ecstasy.? To be a dad, to want to be a writer . . . wherever shall the twain meet?

Well, enough of my ranting.? What are the friends of a writer at home?? Well, they are few and far between.? Since I described only 2 foes: one, Nickelodeon and two, a pajama creature with one ponytail on top, . . .?I will close with 2 friends of the at home writer:

1. Coffee (free, includes and requires bottomless refills)

and

2. An understanding wife!!!

I don’t know what writing at home is like for those without kids, but let’s just say . . . I can faintly see my reflection in my laptop screen and it’s bright green!